Adjusting to a new life in America is one thing, but explaining some of our peculiarly British festive traditions is quite something else…
It’s been a while since my last post, and a lot has happened. The posts I almost wrote but didn’t include:
- Playing dress-up: Hallowe’en in the US is scarily crazy
- Crying fowl – a turkey’s eye view of Thanksgiving
- 101 ways to try to forget Trump is about to become President
Maybe I’ll still do that last one at some point.
It’s been busy, then Buzzfeed made me question the value of this blog by summing up (as only Buzzfeed can) everything I’ve wanted to say but couldn’t, in a single post.
But now here I am, staring down the barrel of Christmas, back in the UK for the first time in three months, and looking forward to welcoming my partner to Britain on her first trip here. And that’s rich source material, right there.
The run-up to Christmas – or should that be ‘The Holiday Season’ – in San Francisco has been an interesting one. In many ways it’s not that different from the last 40-odd I have spent in Britain – twinkling lights, a too-drunk workplace Christmas lunch, a huge tree in the square (Union, rather than Trafalgar) and Christmas songs on the radio (albeit, thankfully, without any Cliff Richard). But like everything, it’s just a few degrees off what I am used to. And with the GF getting increasingly excited about her trip, and curious about what is in store, I have found myself trying to explain or describe a number of things that I have always taken for granted but that actually make no sense…
- Christmas crackers: “They are cardboard tubes wrapped in coloured paper. You and the person sitting next to you take an end each and it makes a cracking sound… No, I don’t really know how that works… and whoever gets the biggest end gets what’s inside. Which is usually a really bad joke…. Yes, just like the ones I make… a useless ‘gift’ like a miniature screwdriver set or spinning top, and a paper crown. No, I don’t know why. Always assumed it was something to do with the three three kings or something. Anyway, everyone wears their crown for the whole of Christmas lunch… no, no, it’s not a forfeit, it’s, er, fun.”
- Mince pies: “They are little pies, filled with mincemeat… No, not minced meat, not meat at all, actually, it’s fruit… what, why is it called mincemeat? Er, no idea. Why isn’t it called a fruit pie? No idea. What sort of fruit? Oh, it’s, y’know. Fruit. The fruity kind. Anyway, you have to eat them all over Christmas. Even if you don’t like them. Which lots of people don’t. No, I’ve no idea why. And you can have them cold or hot, and if you have them hot you have cream with them. Or…
- Brandy Butter: “It’s a bit like butter, but not. I mean it’s made with butter, so I suppose technically it is butter, but it’s also got sugar in it. And brandy, obviously. And you have it with mince pies. No, I’ve never had it with anything else, and never at any other time of year. You can make it yourself or buy jars of it. I think my mum still has a jar in the back of the cupboard, from about 1974.”
- Quality Street: “Ah yes, they are assorted chocolates. They’ve been around for about a hundred years… no not the actual chocolates, they never last beyond New Year. Except the Orange Cremes, nobody likes those. Anyway, there’s about a dozen different varieties and they come in a big tin – or they used to, at any rate. And everyone has a favourite type. You have to go rifling through the tin when it gets passed around, to find the one you like best, but make it look all nonchalant, like ‘I don’t really mind what sort I get’ when secretly you’re thinking ‘If some selfish f*cker has eaten all the Caramel Swirls my Christmas will be ruined.’ I’m sure you can buy them at other times of year, but eating them outside of the Christmas period just wouldn’t feel right. A bit like Twiglets. Hold on, I’ll come back to that. Anyway, you know Christmas is really here when the supermarkets have aisles full of Quality Street. A bit like when the newsagent gets the Christmas edition of…”
- The Radio Times: “It’s a TV guide. What? Well I guess it dates back to when there was just radio, and no TV. Anyway, it’s published every week but at Christmas they publish a bumper two-week edition with all the listings for Christmas TV. Yes, I know there are apps for that, but it’s a tradition. Anyway, everyone buys it and goes through it, circling the programmes they want to watch, record or fight over. Like…”
- Christmas episodes of soaps: “These are wildly and unfathomably popular, and unremittingly miserable. Someone always dies. Yes, I know, very Christmassy.”
- The Queen’s Speech: “It’s a Christmas message from the Queen, broadcast on the main channels on Christmas Day. What does she say? Well I’ve never watched it but it’s probably something like ‘At this time of year our thoughts to those less fortunate… which is basically everyone in the whole world.’ Anyway, some people take it very seriously and insist that Christmas lunch is finished in time for them to watch it ‘live,’ even thought they could record it if they wanted to. And it’s recorded in October. Mind you, although I’ve never watched it, I’d still rather watch that than…”
- Mrs Brown’s Boys: “The most popular programme on television over the whole of Christmas. Awful. Unwatchable. Enjoyed by the kinds of people who voted for Brexit. Probably.”
So that’s most of what any American needs to know about Christmas in Britain. Oh, except for Only Fools and Horses, drunken violence in most towns and cities on Christmas Eve, and don’t expect a big ham.
Happy holidays, everyone.
Now pass the Twiglets…
A Brit on the Bay 